It's Been Awhile...but IM GRADUATING!

I haven't written on the blog for a whole year! I would make excuses but to be honest, I don't have any, just kind of happened.

I have been going back and forth on whether or not I should post this entry, but I think that the cardinal sitting on my deck made the decision for me...thanks mom :)

As I sit here and prepare myself to get ready for graduation rehearsal everything is becoming real. The fact that I am graduating from College tomorrow! It has been a long, emotional 5 years for me, but I DID IT.

I want to start by thanking everyone that has supported me, there are honestly not enough words I could say to you. If it was not for your motivation I would not be where I am today. Most specifically Thank you Mom and Dad. Mom: From the start you knew where I should have gone to college. I choose to be rebellious and go with the exact opposite. You stuck by me when I choose to transfer, although not happy, I think you realized it was for the better. You were my cheerleader, my role model, although tough with love when it came to grades, you always knew I could do better. Loosing you my Junior year in College was so hard. You told me to finish school and that is what I did. I did it for myself, but most importantly I did it for you. Thank you for teaching me to never give up, and to continue on reaching for my dreams. I love you always and forever. Dad: Where to begin. You have supported me through thick and thin. You are always there to support and defend me whenever I need it. You have made continuing with school so much easier. Like Mom, you have pushed me to continue on with school. Most importantly Dad, you have never ever given up on me, even when I had my bad days I know you knew I could do it. Thank you for believing in me, supporting me, and most specifically, thank you for always being there with words of encouragement. I love you. Nathan and Jenna: Wow...what a year we had last year. I'm so happy we are back to being the goofy siblings we are. Honestly I have no idea where I would be without the two of you. The two of you have accomplished such great things, and I can only hope I follow in your footsteps. You guys are wonderful and thank you for being such great role models for me, and helping me with my journey. I love you guys!  Also, Amanda, thank you for being such a great sister-in-law. I always know I can text you with problems and you will always be there to give advice. I am so happy you are part of the family and get to share this special day with me. Auntie Theresa and Uncle Steve: Words cannot tell you how thankful I am that you guys were there for me after my mom passed away. You two were always there to listen when I was having a bad day, and to make me laugh when I did not feel like it. You and the girls  have been so great to me, and I am so happy that we can share this special time together. To everyone else, you know who you are, thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

As for the people that said I wouldn't go back to school after my Mom's passing, Thank you. Thank you for being so naive and not knowing who I am and most specifically who my mother was. Your negativity fueled my determination to finish school, most importantly finish school with a high GPA. I wish I could thank you for being there for me, and supporting me, but that is not the case. Instead I am thanking you for being such a negative impact on my life, and showing me exactly who I do not want to become.

Although tomorrow is going to bring a lot of emotion, I am so proud of myself on where I am and where my family is. Mom, I know you will not physically be there tomorrow, but I know you will be looking down at me as I walk across the stage and receive my College diploma, and a BS in Counseling Psychology.

A Conversation with MOM

My dad, me, and mom Junior year Prom

*This is a long Post*

I'm doing this a little backwards today because something AMAZING happened last night. Many of you already know, my mom did pass away in January after a long hard battle with Pancreatic Cancer. Since then a lot has happend. The main thing that happened was unnecessary family drama that divided my "close" family apart. Since my moms death I have been searching for signs. Anything really, but most of all I have been asking her for guidance, asking her if my Dad and I are doing the right thing. Although I know some people do not believe my experience with Maureen Hancock last night, made me a 100% believer with mediums. I went back in March, but my mom didn't come through. Last night my Dad and I went together. It was the most surreal experience ever. Here is what happened. 

We were getting close to the end (there were around 100 people at the event) and Maureen was speaking to the last spirit. I was upset because once again i heard nothing from my mom. Then all of a sudden, Maureen pointed at my dad and I and said "You Mom/wife has passed?" "I want to speak to you guys in the back at the end". INSANE right?! I started crying and felt this rush of emotion rush through my body. At the end everyone cleared out of the room and my dad headed to the back to meet with Maureen privately. 

*This is where there is going to be a lot of she said this and i said this type of thing*

Maureen said to my dad and I: "Your wife, your mom, wanted to come through the whole time, that is why I was looking at you and making jokes. She was standing right next to you guys the entire time."

To both of us: "Oh i really like her, she is so strong!" "haha she just said back to me 'I like you too'" 

To my dad: "She wants to let you know that you did everything you could for her."

To both of us: "She also wants to let you both know that she is whole again. She suffered from an illness?" "Well just know she is no longer sick"

To me: "And your grandmother has passed?" (both of my grandmothers are alive)

To both of us: "Has her grandmother passed, what does the M  stand for"

The M was for my mom paternal grandmother her Nonnie Materia. That was her inspiration. My mom was just like her, strong. 

To both my dad and I: "Please know that she is holding on to your moms arm, she is right next to her"

To me: "You have other siblings...2 more...2 girls and a boy...please know your mom is recognizing them"

To my Dad: "Your father is here...he wants you to know he is very proud of you. *Grabs her chest* He passed away suddenly from a heart attack" ( My Papa Dom passed away July 2009 suddenly from a heart attack)

To both of us: "Oh your mom just pushed him out of the way" *Grabs my hands*

To me: "You cannot make everyone happy, and you cannot do everything for everyone. You will never please everyone"

To both of us: Your mom/wife is so proud of you guys, she said as for the family stuff forget it. You are her family you are the ones who matter the most to her. 

To me: "Keep talking to your mom she hears you all the time, she also says to not always watch the news when bad things happen, stop over thinking things"

I was about to ask Maureen if my mom knew i finished my semester at school, and she put her hand up and said. 

"Stop your mom just looked at me and gave me a huge thumbs up. She is so proud of you, she knows you did that for her"

I then asked maureen if my mom knew about the celebration of life and my mom said

"Did she not just sit through 2 1/2 hours listening to you, of course i know, I am so proud"

Maureen to me: She is showing me balloons or lanterns.

I was planning on doing a fundraiser on her birthday and setting off Chinese lanterns!

Maureen to me: Your mom said she things thats a really neat idea. 

I'm sorry this is so out of place but I wanted to share with people who saw my Facebook post, and also write it down so I myself will remember in years to come. 

"There is no death, only a change of worlds." - Chief Seattle

Wedding Day...

Video of some wedding pictures to the song my mom and Nathan danced to.

  With the right medication, mom was feeling better. We began packing for Nate and Amanda's wedding. On Thursday October 11, 2013 we headed to Logan airport to board a plane for Pittsburgh, PA. I can honestly say, I was a little nervous for my mom to fly, I didn't think she would have the energy to walk all the way around the airport. I was obviously proven wrong. Not only did she walk around the airport taking little to no stops, she pulled her luggage as well! We made it to Pittsburgh, and met up with Nate and Amanda. Friday October 12, 2013 was the rehearsal dinner. Everything came together beautifully. Mom made it through the rehearsal dinner as well. She was doing great. You could see the happiness on her face! We also got amazing news that made my mom even more proud of Nathan. HE PASSED HIS BAR EXAM! She was so proud of her son. He worked so hard. Saturday October 13, 2012  WEDDING DAY. Jenna and I headed to Amanda's house to get ready with the Bridal party. Mom rested for most of the day so she would make it through the wedding and the reception after. My cousins helped her get ready and blow dry her hair. When we arrived at the church, I remember stepping out of the limo and seeing my mom. I had tears in my eyes. She looked beautiful! She didn't even look sick! The wedding was beautiful. Amanda looked amazing, the church was gorgeous, and the day was wonderful. At the reception we watched as Amanda and her Dad took to the dance floor for the father daughter dance. Then it was my mom and Nathan's turn. My mom was not into all the attention being on them, but she did it. I do not think there was a dry eye in the place. She looked so happy, and it was such an accomplishment for her to even have the strength to get up there and dance. I will never forget that moment. The joy in my moms eyes as she danced with her son, to one of her many favorite songs. The weekend flew by, and it was time for us to get home. Mom had an appointment with her doctor when we returned home, that would decide on the surgery, but before we got home my mom and I talked about her goals. I remember her saying "I did it, I made it to the wedding!". She most certainly did. Her next goal was to make it to Halloween, but an even bigger goal of hers was to be here for the birth of my cousins first child, and christmas. We were all looking forward to the future because things seemed to be going well for her.

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” -Gandhi 

The Roller-coaster Ride Continues

My mom and I at my high school graduation Party 2009 (Please excuse the sunglasses! lol)

On Tuesday September 18th, my mom and dad went back into the hospital, so my mom could get a drain put in. No one thought this would be a problem. Once again, cancer showed us that it was going to continue the roller-coaster ride. There was no need to put a drain in because her liver was draining fine. The problem was the hole. The doctors told my mom and dad to monitor the situation for any signs of fever, abdominal pains, and bleeding. So they came home, and we continued our week. Sadly on Friday things took a turn for the worst. My dad had to take my mom to the Emergency Room at Brigham and Women's hospital. A place that was becoming way too familar. She had a high temperature, chills, and was vomiting. Mom had a fever all weekend, which kept her in the hospital. The wedding was only a few weeks away, and I know that is all she was thinking about. All weekend doctors were trying to find the write antibiotics to give my mom to treat inflammation and infection. Eventually my moms surgeon, who performed her aborted whipple came in and talked to my mom. He informed her that surgery would be the long haul cure for the hole. Basically the surgery was a bypass, he would be stapling off where the hole is and redirecting it to another part of stomach and intestine. Because of the vomiting mom was not eating anything. Her nutrition was terrible and her doctor was worried. My mom told him that she needed to make it to Nathans wedding, and then he can do the surgery. The dr understood where she was coming from and said she could travel to the wedding, but she would need to get the surgery as soon as we returned. My mom was really nervous that this point. Another major surgery?! Her oncologist called my mom and calmed her down and told her she was on board with the surgeon. On September 26 my mom was discharged from the hospital with 2 different antibiotics. Our next hope was for her to be strong enough to make it to Nathan and Amanda's Wedding.
As sad as it was seeing my mom in the hospital, it gave me many memories with her that I will treasure forever. Since my school was right around the corner, I spent most of my days with her, shopping online, listening to music, gossiping. As sick as she was we always had a good laugh together. She was my inspiration to enjoy life to the fullest.

"Sometimes, you just have to be strong & hold your head high. It's not always going to be easy, but you'll be alright. Things will work out"

Welcome to the Family...

My Mom, Me, and my Dad at my H.S graduation 2009

Everyone was getting ready to start school I would be commuting this year, because I wanted to be with my mom as much as I possibly could. Jenna and my mom were starting to get things ready for a new school year at the preschool, but most importantly we were starting to get things ready for the puppy. Mom never complained about how she was feeling so we took that as a good sign. Nate and Amanda's wedding was getting closer and closer. The Sunday before Labor Day my Mom Dad, Jenna, and I went to our good friends house for dinner. It was the first time seeing them in a long time. We had a great time, and ate wonderful food. For some reason on the ride home my mom was very quiet. We got home, and she went right to bed. Something wasn't right, she didn't feel good, and it was evident. From that point on mom was not eating like she usually did. When she ate she got stomach aches and things just did not seem right. On September 12, she went in to talk to her oncologist, her new scan showed the tumor had not spread or grown (YAY!) but her bile duct was blocked. Just to be clear the pancreas is in probably the most complicated areas in the body, there are so  many things around it. She was scheduled to go in for an endoscopy to see what was going on. On September 14 (Less than a month away from the wedding) my dad brought my mom in to get the endoscopy procedure done. They were going to try to put a replaced stent in (to help everything flow back and forth so things wouldn't get stuck), but the area was too inflamed. Not only was this a problem, but the doctors saw a small hole in the small bowel which could lead to alot of problems. The only option would be for her to have an external drain for bile duct. My mom was SO UPSET. This meant she would have the drain for Nathan's wedding. She cried to me when she got home, but i tried to tell her that we can make it would no one will notice, we can figure something out. This was one of those times that my moms illness was very evident to everyone, and showed that the little things, like having an external drain bothered my mom so much. She never ever complained, but with this she did, she was mad, upset, annoyed, depressed anything you could think of thats how she felt. Its hard to say you understand, but there is a part of you as a caregiver to a person with cancer, that feels everything they feel, so I will say I understand how she felt. But once again, mom forged on like a warrior and tried to make the best of the situation. The next day September 15 my moms mood quickly changed. On that day we went and picked up our new fury friend Maverick! He was so small, and cute. We were all smiles, and once again...it felt normal in our house. 

Maverick Welcomed into our home September 15, 2012 (SO much bigger now)

"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."

Summertime fading...but good news was coming

My Dad, Nathan, Jenna, my Mom, and I in Bologna Italy 2003

As we morned the loss of our beloved dog Sherman, we all had to continue moving forward. For me it was really hard. I was miserable coming home and not having our "smiling" dog come greeting me, or have someone to sit outside with me when I came home from work. I started researching puppies and one afternoon suggested the idea to my mom. She was a little iffy at first, but when I explained to her that we need happiness in our life, and we all know that Sherman brought us happiness everyday she kind of understood. My moms cancer was like the elephant in the room. Though she never acted like that, we all knew it was there, and we all knew what it would/could eventually do to her. Sherman somehow someway always made her feel better, and made every member in my family feel better. After some cute pictures of golden retriever pups, my mom was sold. She was the easy one, my dad on the other hand did not want any part of getting a new dog. I found a great breeder not too far from us in Bridgewater MA and they had only MALE puppies left! It was a complete sign. I tried to convince my dad, but he still wanted no part. He wanted to wait until after my brothers wedding, but by then this litter wouldn't be available! Finally my mom put her two cents in. She said to my dad "You know Steve it would be nice for me to have some time with the new puppy" for the first time EVER she played the CANCER card. GO MOM! My dad caved.  The breeder wanted us to go and meet the puppies before we said yes, and my dad agreed to this, but was not 100%. On Thursday August 30th my Mom, Dad, Jenna, and I went and visited the puppies. They were adorable. We held them and played with them. At the end my dad was sold, and put a deposit down for us to pick up our puppy Saturday September 15th! We were ecstatic. Things were starting to look up! My mom was feeling good, and we were going to have the pitter patter of paws in our home again. It is important to know that we were not trying to replace Sherman. Sherman will NEVER EVER be able to be replaced, we were simply trying to find the happiness of another four legged friend....

Nathan, Me, Jenna and Sherman our 2004 Christmas Card

"Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is somethingyou design into the present."

A Happy Occasion followed by a Sad event..

This post is going to be one of the most challenging posts to write.

Jenna, my cousins Kristelle, Mera, Me,Amanda,my cousin Elyce, my Aunt, and my Mom at the Shower

My mom began her process of chemo every other week, and  was handling it very well. She was hard at work finalizing the Bridal Shower for Amanda. We decided on a beach theme since we live near the Ocean and it was summer time. Also, we were having it at my moms favorite restaurant in town, which was right on the water. 

Everything was coming together and on Saturday August 18, 2012 my mom threw Amanda and Nathan the most beautiful Ocean themed Bridal shower. (I may be slightly biased) Down to the drink list my mom planned everything out. Being as sick as she was, she was so happy for Nathan and Amanda, and wanted to celebrate this special time with them. She looked wonderful and so happy. She was able to catch up with old friends, and family. Every single woman who walked into that restaurant was shocked when they saw how good my mom looked. She was so sick, yet she looked like she was as healthy as could be. She accomplished yet another goal! She not only planned a beautiful shower, but she was able to enjoy the day! She was tired after the long afternoon, but once again NEVER once showed any signs of slowing down. She was ready to fight this cancer head on, and now was even more determined to make it to Nathan and Amanda's wedding on October 13, 2012.

Deborah, Mom, and Donna at the Shower

After a wonderful weekend, everyone was back to their routine Monday morning. We all went back to work (including my mom), but for some reason our beloved family pet Sherman didn't seem like he was feeling well. He wouldn't eat breakfast in the morning for my mom which was very unusual, and barely moved when I left for work. 

I came home from work around 1:30PM and Sherman was still in the same spot from when I left, and didn't get up when I walked in the door (that was extremely weird). I thought maybe he had to go out since he was laying by the back door so I let him out. He climbed our steps in the backyard slowly, and once he made it to the top stood still. Then he all of a sudden started swaying back and forth, and then collaspsed. I let out the loudest most horrifying scream ever. I picked him up sat him down, and frantically ran inside to call my Dad and my mom. Our decision was that my dad and my mom were both going to leave work and meet me at Sherman's vet. I picked Sherman up and carried him all the way to my car. I thought I was going to loose him on the way there. When we got to the vet Sherman wouldn't move he was carried in by my dad and started on IV fluids right away. They did an ultra sound to see what could be the cause, and found what everyone feared. Sherman had cancer. By the time we had caught it it was already in his spleen, liver, and around his heart. There was nothing we could do. We called Jenna at work and told her to come to the vet. We decided the best thing for Sherman was to put him to sleep. He had shared 9 wonderful years with us, and we did not want to see him suffer, it was not a time for us to be selfish. He was my first dog, my best friend, always there for me when I needed him. I remember thinking how mad I was at cancer, first attacking my mom and making her fight for her life, and then taking my dog away from me in the matter of minutes. When my mom said goodbye to Sherman she said something I will never forget. "Goodbye Pal, I will see you up there soon". Putting a pet to sleep is a very hard thing to do. Our hearts were heavy leaving the vet, but deep down we new we did the best thing for our pal Sherman. I hope you're chasing those Cats up at the rainbow bridge Shermy buddy. Love and miss you forever.

Sherman June 4, 2003-August 20, 2012

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

- Josh Billings